Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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