All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize