**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
