I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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