i need an iv and a liver transplant
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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