One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
