after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
