Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
