So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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