Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
