i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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