you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
