I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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