i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
