Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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