did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
