He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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