I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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