im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
