Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
