my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
