She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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