Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So much rum. So many feels.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
