I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize