I checked into jail on foursquare
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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