time to smoke my breakfast
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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