Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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