You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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