I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
