And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
