i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
