More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
