Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
