soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize