just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
