i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
