You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
