Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You're like the curious george of whores
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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