why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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