It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize