Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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