New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
