So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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