go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize