If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
