I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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