I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
