He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
