threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
