Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
