Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize