I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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