I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
