Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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