it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
