did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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