Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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