my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
