Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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