I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize