I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
