I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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