Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize